Feeling EXTREMELY lost and confused...

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jcxmsp
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Feeling EXTREMELY lost and confused...

Post by jcxmsp » Sat Nov 30, 2019 1:59 pm

This is my chart.

I've been going through some kind of an "enlightenment" for a couple of weeks now.
Note that for a while i didn't feel like "myself", i was s*xually, physically and mentally abused as a kid and was operating from a place that didn't feel like "me". I remember being very drawn to singing and drawing as a kid, also always being incredibly sensitive and empathetic. But for a while i was completely unable to recognize myself in that full of energy "kid" i used to be.

I've been feeling very very lost, depressed and suicidal too. I guess i had subconsciously convinced myself that there was something "wrong" with me because i never felt like i fit in (family, school, friends, society as a whole etc., basically i didn't fit anywhere) and i was always in a way blamed for it. Despite all of that i still have always had a very strong sense of justice, i always kept challenging authority (regardless whether we're talking about teachers at school or parents) whenever i felt like they were doing something wrong in the "moral" sense of it. I was the type of kid that would have a 2 hour argument with a teacher if i felt like they were being unnecessary rude to another kid in class that had done nothing wrong for example, even if the kid was actually a bully or someone that wasn't close to me at all. And even if it backfired i didn't care, i just cared for people in that sense way too much. But i still don't know whether it has anything to do with my "genuine self" or i became so overly empathetic because i had been abused for such a long time and was, in a way, subconsciously try to help others because i knew that i would've loved to have someone help me and no one ever did.

And it's interesting that i didn't consciously realize any of it up until recently. Everyone would see me as "the troublemaker" (all family members, teachers, "friends") and do everything possible to "put me out" of that mindset, what they were seeing as "teenage rebelliousness" when i in my heart always knew that it wasn't rebelling for the sake of being a rebel. For a while (although i had kept on "fighting" in that sense) i was convinced by the people around me that there was something genuinely wrong with me, that it was simply all my fault and instead of acting out, i became extremely self-destructive and took all of that "negative" energy on myself. I became severely anorexic (my BMI was 12.0 .... i had became a walking skeleton), i was cutting myself a lot, i became (and still am) overly self-critical, i was always trying to be "perfect" in order to "compromise" for what i had been convinced was a "flaw" of mine (my high sensitivity and what i mentioned above).

I was even drugged and put on antipsychotics which further led me down to the self-destructive loophole, i felt "detatched" from my soul and my true self. Antipsychotic drugs basically "zombifie" you and in a sense dumb you down, completely "remove" your emotions. For months in a row i felt NOTHING. I had completely let my logical side of me take over (although i had been using mostly my logical side instead of my emotional one which i believe is my more "genuine one" for a really long time beforehad). It's been 2 years since i was drugged now (they made me take them for 6 months) and i guess because my emotional side and my cognitive functions are finally "recovering", I'm remembering who i actually used to "really" be and connect to the kid in me, instead of the troubled teenager that was forced to believe that there was something wrong with the way that i was feeling and the way that i naturally wanted to express myself.

I also had decided to choose a career path that had nothing to do with what i wanted to do. I've always had tons of inner conflict going on within myself, i can be very Janus-faced. I am very logical and super overly-analytical, very future-oriented but i always had a lot of "gut feeling" when it came to having to take decisions that wouldn't make sense on a logical level although i am very logical, i have an overwhelming amount of intuition. I wouldn't call myself "psychic" or etc. (although I've never researched these things deeply and don't know whether they actually exist) but i felt very spiritually connected (despite these beliefs not being "logically proven") and in a way, could always tell what would happen in terms of how I would end up feeling about doing something and in what situation that would put me (not always necessarily emotionally). As i said, for a while i really let my "logical" side take over which is very unlike me, i like to be logical but always act on what "feels" right and overall emotion and intuition. But the "emotional" side was still unconsciously fighting through now that i look back at it.

For ex. i knew that I'd be miserable if i were to pursue.. let's say law but since my family and everyone else thought that being academically-oriented is my best bet because I'd be able to earn a lot of money, I'd have "stability" (which is something I've always craved because i didn't have any, all the abuse i endured growing up aside, all of my family members have messed up marriages/have remarried AT LEAST 2 times, i mean ALL of my family members and i never was able to find a place to "fit in", my dad died when i was 6 and my mother was narcissistic and emotionally immature, i really became a "parentified child" because despite all of my depressive episodes and terrible things i was going through mentally, i somehow always managed to keep fighting through, even if it meant becoming my own parent and taking care of myself in an especially emotional sense despite not being emotionally stable at all myself) and it made "sense" logically for me to choose that path. But there was something in me that KNEW that this wasn't what i was "supposed" to do. I was very book-smart as a kid but i simply had no interest in pursuing a law or STEM degree because i just was not "feeling" it. And i knew that this was NOT my path but tried to convince myself that it was because everyone told me so and i was letting the logical side take over. Even then, i genuinely KNEW that even if i were to go to (let's say) an Ivy university, get a degree that people would dream of having, i still wouldn't actually work as a let's say lawyer, especially not if i didn't "feel" it was right on a very spiritual level.

I had forgotten about this, but as a kid and still in some aspects even prior to these past couple of months i couldn't ever enjoy doing something if i sensed that it was not supposed to be for me.I am very emotionally-driven and even if something makes sense logically, i only find enjoyment in things that would make sense for me emotionally, i would even go as far as say that i felt GUILT over not being "my true self" in the sense of trusting my gut and following my path because i genuinely sense what i am supposed to do. Despite being emotionally-driven though i have always "appeared" emotionally detatched. I would feel something very severely eternally but i would either have a hard time expressing it physically and just not react at all (which throws people off) or my reaction would be a little bit "slowed down". I have a lot of direction when it comes to art specifically and had unfortunately abandoned singing, dancing and drawing for a really long time and i do believe that this is something that was affecting me tremendously. Now that i've started for ex. singing again i've managed to channel the severe amount of energy that i empathically collect by everyone around me and use it instead of it overwhelming me and throwing me off the rails when it gets too much. It's almost as if i need to follow my artistic pursuits regardless whether the odds are against me (financially) to stay sane.

But i have no idea whether any of it has to do with astrology and whether i should really give up on my studying (i already dropped out of college for a year but am seriously considering not going back, that path was making me miserable and was extremely "foreign" to me). It's almost as if in all of a sudden my eyes are open again. I guess it took me so long to realize it because my family did not understand me and i felt so "caged" that had to detach myself from my true self for a while, almost function on autopilot so that my "soul" wouldn't get too harmed. I know this sounds crazy but i didn't even believe in astrology/spirituality up until a couple of weeks ago, i actually have no idea whether what i'm saying is factually possible, i haven't even read about astrology/spirituality, i just feel like it's true.

I am extremely physically sensitive to everything that happens to me. I've always had severe stomach issues, no doctor has been able to find out why. I just get some extreme stomach "spasms" out of nowhere very often (no, it's not related to food either). Same with my headaches. I feel like when i sing and get rid of that "overwhelming" energy in a sense, for a while it gets away but other than that i have a never-ending headache. Again, no doctor has any idea why.

How should i proceed with my life? I feel like a confused emotional wreck. I don't know whether my mind is playing tricks on me or whether this is actually some kind of an "enlightenment process" and i need to follow the path that feels right to me now. I've honestly never been more certain about anything else.

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Re: Feeling EXTREMELY lost and confused...

Post by Jupiter Sets at Dawn » Sat Nov 30, 2019 2:18 pm

jcxmsp wrote:
Sat Nov 30, 2019 1:59 pm
This is my chart.
I'm so sorry, that's not anything any of us can use.
Please post your data as
Month Day, Year, hours:minutes AM or PM, time zone, location, as in City or Town, State, Country.

And unless you're 5 or 6 years old, I don't think that chart is correct.

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Re: Feeling EXTREMELY lost and confused...

Post by jcxmsp » Sat Nov 30, 2019 3:27 pm

02/08, 2003, 4:20 PM, Eastern European Standard Time, Sofia, Sofia-grad, Bulgaria

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Re: Feeling EXTREMELY lost and confused...

Post by Jupiter Sets at Dawn » Sat Nov 30, 2019 3:38 pm

jcxmsp wrote:
Sat Nov 30, 2019 3:27 pm
02/08, 2003, 4:20 PM, Eastern European Standard Time, Sofia, Sofia-grad, Bulgaria
Is that February 8 or August 2nd? Europe and the US use opposite standards.
I suspect it's February 8, making you a Capricorn sun Aries moon, rather than a Cancer-Virgo.

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Re: Feeling EXTREMELY lost and confused...

Post by jcxmsp » Sat Nov 30, 2019 3:57 pm

Yes, it's February.

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Re: Feeling EXTREMELY lost and confused...

Post by Jupiter Sets at Dawn » Sat Nov 30, 2019 5:00 pm

Are you still in Sofia, or living elsewhere? That will help getting your current conditions.

Just to remind you, this is a holiday weekend in the US where most of us are located. Most people are not online right now. It's not that you're being ignored.
I have to be elsewhere pretty soon, so I'll do what I can before I have to leave.

First things first.
I've been going through some kind of an "enlightenment" for a couple of weeks now.
Note that for a while i didn't feel like "myself",
I've been feeling very very lost, depressed and suicidal too.
Get outside, in the sun if you can find it, otherwise in as bright light as you can manage and walk. An hour a day if possible. Walk away from where you're staying for a half hour, then walk back. You need the daylight.
Plus, you're 16, so your emotions affect you far more strongly than they will as you get older. That's normal.

You are a Capricorn sun, with an Aries moon.
Despite all of that i still have always had a very strong sense of justice, i always kept challenging authority (regardless whether we're talking about teachers at school or parents) whenever i felt like they were doing something wrong in the "moral" sense of it... And even if it backfired i didn't care, i just cared for people in that sense way too much.
Yeah, that's mostly your Aries Moon. It's square your natal Jupiter and Neptune so indulging it probably feels pretty good although you aren't good at gauging other people's reactions.
I guess i had subconsciously convinced myself that there was something "wrong" with me because i never felt like i fit in (family, school, friends, society as a whole etc., basically i didn't fit anywhere) and i was always in a way blamed for it.
That's your Capricorn Sun, partile sextile your natal Pluto, which is opposed by your Saturn. That doesn't feel good, but you'll learn to handle it better as you get older.

Let us know where you are living now.

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Re: Feeling EXTREMELY lost and confused...

Post by Veronica » Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:26 am

"How should i proceed with my life?"

When I have bad days and things go wrong I think of a little motto I heard when I was just about your age......

"My track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%"

Ive also found me, when faced with somthing seemingly so big ie my whole life, if I break it down into smaller bits it becomes managable....ie...how should I proceed with this day.

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Re: Feeling EXTREMELY lost and confused...

Post by Jim Eshelman » Sun Dec 01, 2019 10:24 am

Jcxmsp, welcome to Solunars. You've gotten some excellent guidance from others in the last couple of days. Let me add a bit, if I may (some of which will be repetition).

I think you should read the longer sections on your Sun in Capricorn and Moon in Aries, plus a current thread (with a lot of forum members' participation) on Mars in Scorpio. If nothing else, I think you will find these give you a broad sense of, "Yes, that's me," and some things to think about in relation to your self-description. Here are the links:
https://www.solunars.com/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=35#p164
https://www.solunars.com/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=34#p154
https://www.solunars.com/viewtopic.php?f=14&t=3635

We ll have contradictions in our natures, and your chart portrays several of these that will sort themselves out as your life unfolds. For example, there is a side of you that is very physical and probably thinks of itself as grounded in no-{bs} reality, and there is an even stronger part of you that lives substantially in your head, in a world of ideas and images. I'm not quite sure how these interweave for you at this exact stage but - as Jupiter Sets at Dawn mentioned - adolescence is a time of sorting out and forging who we are: Nobody expects you to have all of that sorted out for quite a few years. That makes your current life-stage both confusing and awesomely interesting. (We all lived through it <g>.)

A few general trends from your natal chart: Your Capricorn Sun and Aries Moon are both in what we call "Rim" constellations - they resemble the rim of a wheel, which is the fastest-moving part, and their lives tend to be about action, movement, velocity. Especially in the teen years, Rims tend to get in trouble - tend to feel at odds with society and its rules. The particular Rim signs strong in your chart - Capricorn and Aries - particularly have struggles with outside authority. There's an unusually strong need to rely on yourself and listen to your own instincts and impulses - which, of course, sometimes gives you your best results and sometimes gets you in trouble while you're sorting out the balance of your personal autonomy against society's structures and traditions. (You may have thought more than once that "traditions are dead people's rules.")

Both of these sides, though, exist in you - are important to you. I think that ultimately you do value traditions and structures, but you're probably at a stage where figuring out your own rules first is the bigger priority. (And, as Jupe said, that Capricorn Sun exactly aspecting Pluto has a strong sense of being "outside" everyone else's world, perhaps at odds with it.)

I'm rambling a bit... but I suspect you recognize yourself in some of these thoughts.


Another side of your character is that you tend to be "all in your head," living in worlds of ideas - almost a mythic world. With the abuse you mentioned, it's even more likely you have withdrawn from the concrete world into some fantasy space - or idea space - that feels more under your control.

Primarily I am seeing this ideological or "in your head" tendency from the three strong, angular planets in your chart: Mercury, Jupiter, and Neptune. These are all "idea" planets in different ways - you can read about them individually in the Planets section of the forum. Of these three, your Jupiter-Neptune are in close aspect to each other and to your Aries Moon. This is where I get the "living in a mythic world" idea about you. Jupiter + Neptune tend to be very belief-driven, a little grandiose and dramatic, fueled by the creative power of imagery and imagination.
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Re: Feeling EXTREMELY lost and confused...

Post by Jim Eshelman » Sun Dec 01, 2019 10:59 am

jcxmsp wrote:
Sat Nov 30, 2019 1:59 pm
I've been going through some kind of an "enlightenment" for a couple of weeks now.
I'm not sure what you mean by this, but let's see what the chart says you've been going through lately.

You've come out of a couple of years when transiting Neptune squared your natal Mars - you can read about that in the Transits section,but it's not as important at the moment as what's currently going on: You're right in the middle of transiting Uranus square natal Ascendant. This might be the "enlightenment" quality you mentioned, because Uranus transits - which introduce change, adapting to new conditions, and life transitions - especially feel like WAKING UP from a more obscure space into something "more real." Uranus squares to natal Ascendant usually express as exciting periods of discovery and self-awakening with changes especially in relationships and in your way of interacting with the environment. They often reflect the polarity of new freedom vs. restlessness and tension.

Since you are coming out of a two-year strong Neptune transit and several weeks of Saturn transits, this might feel strange but surely would feel liberating.
I've been feeling very very lost, depressed and suicidal too. I guess i had subconsciously convinced myself that there was something "wrong" with me because i never felt like i fit in (family, school, friends, society as a whole etc., basically i didn't fit anywhere) and i was always in a way blamed for it.
This is important: There are two things I'd like you to hear from me. (1) This is entirely normal for your age and for your history. (2) It's also something for which we all need some assistance and guidance at times, so I'm glad you're reaching out here. I think it important that you have people to trust and talk to in real life about this.

More people feel "lost" than usually admit it, and it's especially normal at 16. I find it's been especially common in my life when I'm leaving one stage to move into a new one - leaving behind my old definitions (how I've seen myself and others) before I quite have new definitions in place. "Old rules don't work" might describe it for you - I think you're at a stage of sorting out other people's rules vs. your own rules about things etc. (Please just take the part that fits: I don't know you and I'm only going by your horoscope and what you've shared with us.)

On suicidal, I have to ask the usual (important) question: Do you have a plan? Has your rich imagination figured out how to do it? Or do you really mean you've found yourself "wishing you were dead" sometimes?

You've been through crap, and there is a tendency for Capricorns to use the crap they've been through to define them. Most, though, grow up to effective, able, successful people who use early crap to grow stronger.
And it's interesting that i didn't consciously realize any of it up until recently. Everyone would see me as "the troublemaker" (all family members, teachers, "friends") and do everything possible to "put me out" of that mindset, what they were seeing as "teenage rebelliousness" when i in my heart always knew that it wasn't rebelling for the sake of being a rebel.
I agree. (Though I bet there's a strong streak of wanting to {nass} off people who you see as abusing their power or peddling BS.) This self-description matches what I said in the last post above.

You are exactly the kind of kid who is likely to be labelled a trouble-maker. (See above.) But I think you are also on an honest quest, sorting out your own values, and these will guide you out the other side.
It's been 2 years since i was drugged now
That makes a lot of sense - you're probably just coming out of it (and its repercussions). IMHO they shouldn't do that crap to 14-year-olds :evil:

Hoping I'm not over-simplifying: Your self-description is really a text-book example of Sun in Capricorn, the types hardship Capricorns commonly endure in their youngest years, the rebellion and reassertion of autonomy that come next (including self-harm: it gives you something you have total control over, for example). Focus your sense of justice on being true to yourself - authentic - no BS - and your natural sense of compassion (yes, your Jupiter-Neptune definitely has that!) on understanding that other people are also still sorting out their lives and trying to make sense of it all.
i already dropped out of college for a year
At 16 you've dropped out of college for a year? Meaning that you started college at 14 or 15? There is surely a story to that, which you haven't told us. That would mean you've already displayed your exceptional abilities for quite a while, yes?
It's almost as if in all of a sudden my eyes are open again. I guess it took me so long to realize it because my family did not understand me and i felt so "caged" that had to detach myself from my true self for a while, almost function on autopilot so that my "soul" wouldn't get too harmed.
This is a very important paragraph. Write it down somewhere that you'll find it later.
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Re: Feeling EXTREMELY lost and confused...

Post by Jim Eshelman » Sun Dec 01, 2019 11:54 am

Here are some notes on your horoscope for your reference and study. They are not a full interpretation, just notes on individual pieces of you. I still think you should read the longer sections on Sun in Capricorn, Moon in Aries, and Mars in Scorpio mentioned above, but this may provide a useful summary of different contributors to your lifepath. (They’re written to be brief, to pack a lot into the fewest words, so reading them fast will miss a lot.)
Moon in Aries
Autonomous, independent, self-sufficient, competitive. Sentiment yields to practicality; cautious with intimacy. Sexually bold, passionate, pragmatic. Assertive (pushy), efficient, decisive, contrary, opinionated (adamant certainty). Respected, easily takes charge, leads. Business instincts, opportunistic.

Sun in Capricorn
Survival and autonomy needs foremost. Sociable; not self-disclosing. Humor, storyteller, prankish, music. Good resource manager. Struggles against tough odds. Discontent, combative, resists persuasion and conformity. Values past; defies status quo. Emotions cautious initially. Extreme libido.
Sun sextile Pluto (0°03')
“Law unto themselves.” No respect for arbitrary expectations. Antiauthoritarian, needs to be free from arbitrary, incompetent control. Comfortable as outsider; often seems aloof, unresponsive, but rarely harsh. Usually kind, “live and let live.”

Sun trine Saturn (2°54')
Effective survivor, works hard, few luxuries; prefers modest accommodations. Authority & other parent-based issues to overcome. Serious; yet good sense of humor. Struggles with self-sufficiency can block progress; more inclined to reaction than action.
Mars in Scorpio
Determined, hardworking, fervent desire to succeed, hard to intimidate. Sharp humor, willing to be outlandish. Loves to party. Most prefer some “bad boy” in their character, feel it their moral duty to misbehave on schedule, and stay “a little rough around the edges.”

Jupiter opposite Neptune (1°17')
Idealist (social idealist), dreams of “something better” (impressionable; desires worthy idols). Unreasoned optimism, faith (drawn to “too good to be true”). Compassionate, humanitarian. Conviction we thrive better together: cohesive, collective, community-building. Works best from a “big picture” (moving pieces within it). Forges a distinctive worldview (a window on reality to share). Entertainment (actor, filmmaker, music, literature). Religious, spiritual, mystical interests. Impractical (unrealistic, fantasy) relationship to money (speculation).
Moon square Neptune (0°59')
Sensitive – often too much! Tunes into others on an empathic level: can be deeply understanding, genuinely sympathetic, but also emotionally (psychically) vulnerable, easily wounded, with abiding fears of rejection. Self-defense through avoidance (non-confrontation) & slamming shut senses & good sense. When wounded, withdraws & introverts (often with excessive rumination, imagination working overtime, worry, moodiness). Drawn to the imaginative, surrealistic, and creative. Genius, if present, coexists with deeply, visibly disturbed character.

Moon square Jupiter (2°16')
Ambitious, desires success, aspires to take the lead. A natural ‘host,’ likes to play ringmaster in all life areas including in social & sexual hospitality. Usually good-humored, entertaining, kind, generous. Drawn to quality, desires only the best (things & circumstances) for self & loved ones. Strong beliefs (moralistic, judgmental).

Neptune opposite Ascendant (7°35')
Sensitive, vulnerable, feels strongly (tunes into others deeply, not always accurately; feels exposed, over-response). Naturally absorbs & mirrors others’ traits. Sympathy, compassion, empathy (or emotional drama, insecurity, easily hooked, betrayed). Lives in own reality, tenacious with their viewpoint, impervious to logic, passionate about what uniquely frames their view. Favors complexity over simplicity. Dwells within the unknown, choosing mystery over revelation.

Jupiter conjunct Ascendant (8°24')
Positive, optimistic, oriented to the good & qualitative. Unusually lucky. Aspires to (enjoys) life of leisure & its perks (seeks to improve self & conditions). Generous, congenial, tolerant, good-humored, kind. Sexually giving. Needs esteem & inclusion (usually well received; can be overly role-conscious). Responds to cultural totems, heritage, tradition, social graces, social & ceremonial rituals. Champion of justice & fair play. (Can express as air of superiority, judgmental, greedy, envious; making own luck through shady ethics or crime.)
Mercury opposite Ascendant (7°53')
Alert, attentive, observant, strategic, analytic. Mentally sharp, hard to fool (knows more about you than you think). Little emotional affect, hard to read. Nervous (anxiety? worry? touchy?). Easily bored without regular mental stimulation. Good at precise, detailed work; natural at handling business. Curiosity drives sexual choices as much as any other factor.

Saturn opposite Pluto (2°52')
“Runs their own show,” resists outside control. Even as an employee, wants autonomy. Lone wolf: solitary path comes naturally; partnership requires choice & effort. Rejects arbitrary expectations. Survivors: Great strength, self-reliance, & persistence in the face of hardship (stubborn, entrenched; pays the necessary price). Conscientious. Tough as nails but can become hard, cut-off, alienated. By taking everything on themselves, can feel they carry the world's weight. (Obsessive-compulsive.)
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Re: Feeling EXTREMELY lost and confused...

Post by jcxmsp » Mon Dec 02, 2019 3:20 pm

Jim Eshelman wrote:
Sun Dec 01, 2019 10:59 am
jcxmsp wrote:
Sat Nov 30, 2019 1:59 pm
I've been going through some kind of an "enlightenment" for a couple of weeks now.
I'm not sure what you mean by this, but let's see what the chart says you've been going through lately.

You've come out of a couple of years when transiting Neptune squared your natal Mars - you can read about that in the Transits section,but it's not as important at the moment as what's currently going on: You're right in the middle of transiting Uranus square natal Ascendant. This might be the "enlightenment" quality you mentioned, because Uranus transits - which introduce change, adapting to new conditions, and life transitions - especially feel like WAKING UP from a more obscure space into something "more real." Uranus squares to natal Ascendant usually express as exciting periods of discovery and self-awakening with changes especially in relationships and in your way of interacting with the environment. They often reflect the polarity of new freedom vs. restlessness and tension.

Since you are coming out of a two-year strong Neptune transit and several weeks of Saturn transits, this might feel strange but surely would feel liberating.
I've been feeling very very lost, depressed and suicidal too. I guess i had subconsciously convinced myself that there was something "wrong" with me because i never felt like i fit in (family, school, friends, society as a whole etc., basically i didn't fit anywhere) and i was always in a way blamed for it.
This is important: There are two things I'd like you to hear from me. (1) This is entirely normal for your age and for your history. (2) It's also something for which we all need some assistance and guidance at times, so I'm glad you're reaching out here. I think it important that you have people to trust and talk to in real life about this.

More people feel "lost" than usually admit it, and it's especially normal at 16. I find it's been especially common in my life when I'm leaving one stage to move into a new one - leaving behind my old definitions (how I've seen myself and others) before I quite have new definitions in place. "Old rules don't work" might describe it for you - I think you're at a stage of sorting out other people's rules vs. your own rules about things etc. (Please just take the part that fits: I don't know you and I'm only going by your horoscope and what you've shared with us.)

On suicidal, I have to ask the usual (important) question: Do you have a plan? Has your rich imagination figured out how to do it? Or do you really mean you've found yourself "wishing you were dead" sometimes?

You've been through crap, and there is a tendency for Capricorns to use the crap they've been through to define them. Most, though, grow up to effective, able, successful people who use early crap to grow stronger.
And it's interesting that i didn't consciously realize any of it up until recently. Everyone would see me as "the troublemaker" (all family members, teachers, "friends") and do everything possible to "put me out" of that mindset, what they were seeing as "teenage rebelliousness" when i in my heart always knew that it wasn't rebelling for the sake of being a rebel.
I agree. (Though I bet there's a strong streak of wanting to {nass} off people who you see as abusing their power or peddling BS.) This self-description matches what I said in the last post above.

You are exactly the kind of kid who is likely to be labelled a trouble-maker. (See above.) But I think you are also on an honest quest, sorting out your own values, and these will guide you out the other side.
It's been 2 years since i was drugged now
That makes a lot of sense - you're probably just coming out of it (and its repercussions). IMHO they shouldn't do that crap to 14-year-olds :evil:

Hoping I'm not over-simplifying: Your self-description is really a text-book example of Sun in Capricorn, the types hardship Capricorns commonly endure in their youngest years, the rebellion and reassertion of autonomy that come next (including self-harm: it gives you something you have total control over, for example). Focus your sense of justice on being true to yourself - authentic - no BS - and your natural sense of compassion (yes, your Jupiter-Neptune definitely has that!) on understanding that other people are also still sorting out their lives and trying to make sense of it all.
i already dropped out of college for a year
At 16 you've dropped out of college for a year? Meaning that you started college at 14 or 15? There is surely a story to that, which you haven't told us. That would mean you've already displayed your exceptional abilities for quite a while, yes?
It's almost as if in all of a sudden my eyes are open again. I guess it took me so long to realize it because my family did not understand me and i felt so "caged" that had to detach myself from my true self for a while, almost function on autopilot so that my "soul" wouldn't get too harmed.
This is a very important paragraph. Write it down somewhere that you'll find it later.
Thank you. I needed to hear this.
And yes, i graduated earlier (passed the Bulgarian alternative of a "GED" test) so that i could move out and attend college in Germany (where my grandma lives).

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Re: Feeling EXTREMELY lost and confused...

Post by jcxmsp » Mon Dec 02, 2019 3:23 pm

Jupiter Sets at Dawn wrote:
Sat Nov 30, 2019 5:00 pm
Are you still in Sofia, or living elsewhere? That will help getting your current conditions.

Just to remind you, this is a holiday weekend in the US where most of us are located. Most people are not online right now. It's not that you're being ignored.
I have to be elsewhere pretty soon, so I'll do what I can before I have to leave.

First things first.
I've been going through some kind of an "enlightenment" for a couple of weeks now.
Note that for a while i didn't feel like "myself",
I've been feeling very very lost, depressed and suicidal too.
Get outside, in the sun if you can find it, otherwise in as bright light as you can manage and walk. An hour a day if possible. Walk away from where you're staying for a half hour, then walk back. You need the daylight.
Plus, you're 16, so your emotions affect you far more strongly than they will as you get older. That's normal.

You are a Capricorn sun, with an Aries moon.
Despite all of that i still have always had a very strong sense of justice, i always kept challenging authority (regardless whether we're talking about teachers at school or parents) whenever i felt like they were doing something wrong in the "moral" sense of it... And even if it backfired i didn't care, i just cared for people in that sense way too much.
Yeah, that's mostly your Aries Moon. It's square your natal Jupiter and Neptune so indulging it probably feels pretty good although you aren't good at gauging other people's reactions.
I guess i had subconsciously convinced myself that there was something "wrong" with me because i never felt like i fit in (family, school, friends, society as a whole etc., basically i didn't fit anywhere) and i was always in a way blamed for it.
That's your Capricorn Sun, partile sextile your natal Pluto, which is opposed by your Saturn. That doesn't feel good, but you'll learn to handle it better as you get older.

Let us know where you are living now.
Sorry for answering so late. I'm living in Germany with one of my grandmothers now. And thank you for the advice.

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Re: Feeling EXTREMELY lost and confused...

Post by jcxmsp » Mon Dec 02, 2019 3:43 pm

Jim Eshelman wrote:
Sun Dec 01, 2019 11:54 am
Here are some notes on your horoscope for your reference and study. They are not a full interpretation, just notes on individual pieces of you. I still think you should read the longer sections on Sun in Capricorn, Moon in Aries, and Mars in Scorpio mentioned above, but this may provide a useful summary of different contributors to your lifepath. (They’re written to be brief, to pack a lot into the fewest words, so reading them fast will miss a lot.)
Moon in Aries
Autonomous, independent, self-sufficient, competitive. Sentiment yields to practicality; cautious with intimacy. Sexually bold, passionate, pragmatic. Assertive (pushy), efficient, decisive, contrary, opinionated (adamant certainty). Respected, easily takes charge, leads. Business instincts, opportunistic.

Sun in Capricorn
Survival and autonomy needs foremost. Sociable; not self-disclosing. Humor, storyteller, prankish, music. Good resource manager. Struggles against tough odds. Discontent, combative, resists persuasion and conformity. Values past; defies status quo. Emotions cautious initially. Extreme libido.
Sun sextile Pluto (0°03')
“Law unto themselves.” No respect for arbitrary expectations. Antiauthoritarian, needs to be free from arbitrary, incompetent control. Comfortable as outsider; often seems aloof, unresponsive, but rarely harsh. Usually kind, “live and let live.”

Sun trine Saturn (2°54')
Effective survivor, works hard, few luxuries; prefers modest accommodations. Authority & other parent-based issues to overcome. Serious; yet good sense of humor. Struggles with self-sufficiency can block progress; more inclined to reaction than action.
Wouldn't February 8th make me a Sun in Aquarius? Sorry for the stupid question but I'm really confused.

Mars in Scorpio
Determined, hardworking, fervent desire to succeed, hard to intimidate. Sharp humor, willing to be outlandish. Loves to party. Most prefer some “bad boy” in their character, feel it their moral duty to misbehave on schedule, and stay “a little rough around the edges.”

Jupiter opposite Neptune (1°17')
Idealist (social idealist), dreams of “something better” (impressionable; desires worthy idols). Unreasoned optimism, faith (drawn to “too good to be true”). Compassionate, humanitarian. Conviction we thrive better together: cohesive, collective, community-building. Works best from a “big picture” (moving pieces within it). Forges a distinctive worldview (a window on reality to share). Entertainment (actor, filmmaker, music, literature). Religious, spiritual, mystical interests. Impractical (unrealistic, fantasy) relationship to money (speculation).
Moon square Neptune (0°59')
Sensitive – often too much! Tunes into others on an empathic level: can be deeply understanding, genuinely sympathetic, but also emotionally (psychically) vulnerable, easily wounded, with abiding fears of rejection. Self-defense through avoidance (non-confrontation) & slamming shut senses & good sense. When wounded, withdraws & introverts (often with excessive rumination, imagination working overtime, worry, moodiness). Drawn to the imaginative, surrealistic, and creative. Genius, if present, coexists with deeply, visibly disturbed character.

Moon square Jupiter (2°16')
Ambitious, desires success, aspires to take the lead. A natural ‘host,’ likes to play ringmaster in all life areas including in social & sexual hospitality. Usually good-humored, entertaining, kind, generous. Drawn to quality, desires only the best (things & circumstances) for self & loved ones. Strong beliefs (moralistic, judgmental).

Neptune opposite Ascendant (7°35')
Sensitive, vulnerable, feels strongly (tunes into others deeply, not always accurately; feels exposed, over-response). Naturally absorbs & mirrors others’ traits. Sympathy, compassion, empathy (or emotional drama, insecurity, easily hooked, betrayed). Lives in own reality, tenacious with their viewpoint, impervious to logic, passionate about what uniquely frames their view. Favors complexity over simplicity. Dwells within the unknown, choosing mystery over revelation.

Jupiter conjunct Ascendant (8°24')
Positive, optimistic, oriented to the good & qualitative. Unusually lucky. Aspires to (enjoys) life of leisure & its perks (seeks to improve self & conditions). Generous, congenial, tolerant, good-humored, kind. Sexually giving. Needs esteem & inclusion (usually well received; can be overly role-conscious). Responds to cultural totems, heritage, tradition, social graces, social & ceremonial rituals. Champion of justice & fair play. (Can express as air of superiority, judgmental, greedy, envious; making own luck through shady ethics or crime.)
Mercury opposite Ascendant (7°53')
Alert, attentive, observant, strategic, analytic. Mentally sharp, hard to fool (knows more about you than you think). Little emotional affect, hard to read. Nervous (anxiety? worry? touchy?). Easily bored without regular mental stimulation. Good at precise, detailed work; natural at handling business. Curiosity drives sexual choices as much as any other factor.

Saturn opposite Pluto (2°52')
“Runs their own show,” resists outside control. Even as an employee, wants autonomy. Lone wolf: solitary path comes naturally; partnership requires choice & effort. Rejects arbitrary expectations. Survivors: Great strength, self-reliance, & persistence in the face of hardship (stubborn, entrenched; pays the necessary price). Conscientious. Tough as nails but can become hard, cut-off, alienated. By taking everything on themselves, can feel they carry the world's weight. (Obsessive-compulsive.)

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Re: Feeling EXTREMELY lost and confused...

Post by Jim Eshelman » Mon Dec 02, 2019 4:43 pm

jcxmsp wrote:
Mon Dec 02, 2019 3:43 pm
Wouldn't February 8th make me a Sun in Aquarius? Sorry for the stupid question but I'm really confused.
In the Tropical zodiac, which is the astrology theory most familiar to general public. However, in the Sidereal zodiac (to which this site is dedicated), it would not. Mid-January to mid-February is Capricorn.
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Re: Feeling EXTREMELY lost and confused...

Post by Lance » Thu Dec 05, 2019 2:21 pm

jcxmsp wrote:
Sat Nov 30, 2019 1:59 pm
I don't know whether my mind is playing tricks on me or whether this is actually some kind of an "enlightenment process" and i need to follow the path that feels right to me now. I've honestly never been more certain about anything else.
My two...

From personal experience... Your “mind playing tricks on you” can absolutely serve as a medium for the process of becoming enlightened. The best advice I’ve received is not to take any experience at face value but instead to record it, journal it, make voice recordings, whatever, so you can later process what happened in a more normal state of mind a week, a month, or a year later.

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