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Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2018 6:29 am
As a person who has been very health conscious most all of my life and studied many forms of holistic healing as well as yoga and deep psychoanalysis I am stumbing over why I have this chronic delberating pain in my back.
As if a knife is stuck right outa reach by my shoulder blades.
From my life studies I am convinved that all pain is a symptom of deep issues...even if that pain or malady does arise from a physical accident (like mine did at work) and have physical roots in material tissue damage.
I cant live like this, being in chronic pain and not able yo be vital and work.
The drs on my case did not document my issues clearly and now workers comp and the insurance are dening my claims for services and treatment.
My lawyer told me to get new drs which means I would be back to the drawing board and have a long wait before I can get approved for the needed surgery to repair my damaged tissues and nerves.
Yet i fully believe the body can repair and heal and overcome all issues of imbalance. I am very good at giving others advice on what to do for health concerns and intuitive on treatments for the individual.
My issues though
Being stabbed in the back by my 3 past lovers (or more persicicly my feelings and belief that I was taken advantage, used, mistreated, cheated on, and economically (power) played) has left me not able to take my own advice, not able to maintain my own healthy life practices ( which all 3 had major issues with) and just feeling most days like a big gapping bloody wound exposed to the world like a raw nerve....not physically able to be loving and kind and generous and hopefull...which is my natural state of being.
I truelly believe that the symbolic language of astrology is mainfest in our biology truelly imbeded in our amino acid secquencings of our dna and I also believe that all things are connected and availible to fullfill our needs.
I dont see why my soul needs this crippling pain. I dont understand what I need to do to break free of the limiatations of my mind so that I can pull these knives out.
I tried making amends and being nice with all 3 of these men, yet none of them took the opportunity to extend the same to me. I believe that it lies in the heart, as it was the loving heart that created the infererior mind and i believe for me that message is even more true as my sun/moon/neptune/jupiter midpoints as well as my mars/mercury midpoints all sit close to my beloved venus.
I am obessive. And the root meaning of that word is "to sit".
I cant sit with this crippling pain anymore. It makes me want to give up and just die. I want to be painfree again and pull out these hurtfull knives and show the world love and beauty naturally and not a force smile and silly songs that make me cry when i turn the camera off.
I know enough about Alchemy and higher spiritual work and I wish I had some other thing to focus on. To obsess on. To sit with. Other then feeling like a complete failure to these men whom i loved and tried to share spiritual love with. They obviously have thier own soul work to do and dont feel any need to have me in thier life and I know better then to force my will on those who do not accept my gifts.
I am hoping that some how I will be able to give myself love and get over this huge mountain of pain I am forcing my soul to climb.
Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2018 11:49 am
Veronica wrote: ↑
Sat Oct 13, 2018 6:29 am
I cant live like this, being in chronic pain and not able yo be vital and work.
While I understand the sentiment, who are you threatening to commit suicide at?
Us? We can't help you.
Your exes? They don't care.
The Universe? It will manage to use you whether you're alive or not.
Yourself? To what end?
Your kids? Must be your kids. Can they help you? You want one to spend years to become a surgeon to help you and that's what the threat is meant to confirm? Or what?
Your lawyer told you what to do. You don't want to because you want the pain to stop NOW NOW NOW!!!
The pain isn't going to stop because you threaten suicide. The pain will stop if you learn to be patient, and learn to be a patient.
Go do what your lawyer told you to do and stop fussing about having to go back to the drawing board and having a long wait for surgery. Your new doctors can and should get your old doctors test results and x-rays and so on.
And stop trying to find some herbal or mystical or whatever cure and stop trying to pretend you are in control of whether or not your back hurts. You are not. The Goddess helps those that help themselves. Modern medicine is not the be all and end all, but neither is herbs and crystals and acupuncture and prayer. All of them are just tools, including modern medicine.
The Universe gave us a lot of tools. Stop being ungrateful and use all the tools.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. I posted much the same thing earlier, and deleted it because it sounds harsh to me. But sometimes you have to look at what you're doing and saying and thinking and get back on reality.
I'm sorry you hurt. Go to a new doctor like your lawyer told you, and be (a) patient.
Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2018 1:48 pm
One other thing.
Getting old is not for sissies.
The biggest difference between the maiden and the crone is arthritis.
Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2018 5:02 pm
I wasnt threatening suicide.
Im just not coping well with a million things in my life that need to be done and i cant physicaly do much and hant been able to for the past 2 years and i am frustrated.
Thanks for your advice. I do have a series of new dr appointment s and a hearing w the board.
Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2018 7:05 pm
I'm sorry you're frustrated. And I'm sorry you hurt.
Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2018 5:50 am
Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2018 6:39 pm
Astrology is a big pain in my butt sometimes ya know.
I wonder what my life would have been like if I never looked up at the stars and within my heart....
It wouldnt have been my life now then would it.
I remembered something, very very important when Jupiter said she was sorry I was in pain.
I remembered how when I thought I was gonna die giving birth to my son, how they all thought I was gonna die....omg that pain from him being the wrong way...and me with a midwife an not even an asprin....i made space.
I wasnt looking for answer to my pain the other day.
I wasnt looking for Jim to say Plutos conjunct......
I wasnt looking for a pity party.
I needed something.
Ever notice how if someone says "oh I broke my arm" you hear someone oneup them....."i broke my arm and toe" humans bond by relating wounds and pain.
I needed someone to say, i hear you crying and Im sorry. An acknowledgment of humanity, thats all.
Every human is in some sort of pain and every human has a need to have the humanity of thier personal pain acknowledged.
Planets come and planets go, putting pressures and pains on different parts of space and us, throughout our whole life. No matter what your chart is it is not all sunshine and unicorns.
In teaching yoga I hear so much about pain and cant go any farther, inflexible, stiff, arthritic, yadayada....but I dont listen.
I remember how there was one thing and one thing only that pushed me through the pain of my body being torn apart, one thing that gets us through the pressures of the planets movements, or a traffic jam, or a fight with your spouse.
The book of genesis teaches that it was the breathe of god, of the word that brought about creation. Breath is akin to space.
Those yoga students I had, were shown how by the simple use of breath they could push past the spot they thought they couldnt go. Suck it up buttercup i hear tough guys like my brother say when a kid gets hurt, but really....thats what we need to do when in pain, when planets collide, when babies rip, suck in your breathe....
And then exhale
And then you can go deeper
And leave pain behind and come out on the otherside.
Id like to figure out how a seemingly extremely challenging aspect like moon conjunct pluto can be brought into a higher accord then the seemingly savage way it is now.
Aspects themselves evolve over time, given space I suppose.
Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2018 8:47 pm
So today and yesterday turned out to be great days for my emotional well being, after quite some time of feeling unsure, lacking, going no where and definately not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel.
It was quite small things actually, but they were enough to give my feel good hormones a huge kick start.
I hadnt checked my transits since Jim mentioned my midpoint transit a few weeks ago. I honestly sometimes dont want to see what is coming, and then after somthing happens...i check. Sometimes it feels like checking it too often takes away some of the surprise in life that when good, i like and energizes me and when challenging seems to set me up for harder challenges that arise then necessary.
T. Sun trine N. Sun and Asc. (Which happens happens every year at this time and exains why I love Fall the most and general have always felt thriving at this time of year)
T Moon (full at that) trine Pluto
Very vivid dreams of dealing with the end of some of my major psychological barriers of insecurity, jealousy, and anger. I believe that I often rerun or playout scenarios through my dreams that In real life would bring out so strong enotions that I would seriously loose control and hurt myself or others. Its as if my mind knows Im going to encounter these incidence s as lets me practice before i am put in the real situation. This has happened in my dream life into real life for my entire life. I have often thought that not only do I have precogtion dreams but also premonition dreams and there is a big difference because precognition is about the mind, before thought, which is A huge Scorpionic trait....aka Promethian...again pre- thought.
Feelings come before thought though, at least in my world and that is the premonition dreams. Before feeling....
Anyways. I definitely think I have at least too types of dreams that manifest into reality, and I had one last night.
I know Neptune is thought to rule dreams but the moon is the luminary for all things subconsciou which is where dreams arise from.
T. Mon opposite N.Moon/jupiter/Neptune
Ill say that this full moon has been able to show me more of my vunerable spots yet in a way hard to articulate let me not be as reactively emotional and not overcome by lifes triggers that someimes can push me over my allready overly sensitive nature. I think if for example the T. Moon wS conjunct my n. Moon ect that the life issues I had to deal with would have not ended well and Id have been really super sad about my current situation...but because the moon is opposite....I feel good about them and where I am.
T. venus is trine my natal Sun and asc,
This obviously is wonderful and makes me feel espicially good in my own skin, self loved, confident, full of love and hope. Bout freaking time!! I very much feel more like my true self self then I have in a year. Its a year almost since that fight with the woman which really sent me into a huge down spiral of self loathing dissaciation and the awareness of how far I had slipped into the abyss of egolessness. Its almost like at this time last year, i was so full of my love for Craig that the sudden break up/distancing/knee jerk reaction I had to him was the result of me having given up so much of who I really am as person just to be with him and the feeling of dissappointment that he did not know the real me (one who would not have sex with his friends) and did not stop her from coming (didnt steaight up tell her Do Not Go There....she wouldve listened if he got loud thats his sun mars conjunction people listen when gets loud)...that was like a huge exhallation from my core my soul, and its taken a year for my little soul to breathe in and refill my character/ego/spirit/persona back to its normal Veronica Velocity.
So the Venus action is very very nice
T.Mars conjuct N.Mercury
Well I wouldnt be writtinv this if this wasnt going on. Infact it was this all to familiar Martian energy I had been feeling for the past few day that really hit me and made me instinctively know that my beloved Mars was giving me some good action. It was this energy that allowed me to turn what could gave been very ugly altercations with several different groups of men this week into very postive and enhancing ones. For some reason this was tbe week that I had run ins with my dad my brother my brothers boss the furnace repair man the tow truck man the principle of the school (my boss) and two redneck poachers. Havnt talked to that many men in months (craigs house always seemed to have half a dozen men coming and going whic I hated being around for the most part).
Coulda been nasty fight with any of them but I arose and felt no triggers to set me off and was able to be my true self and assert and communicate my position positively with excellent outcomes.
T.Mars trine Uranus
I think that defibately fed into my new way of dealing with dad and brother so it didnt get ugly. Lots of car and furnace issues. I also noticed how I now feel energized and empowered back in my old skin but with a new force of light that enables me to be confident in my identity and who I am (and be able to see in a new way why Craig and dad project thier behaviors on me and are unable to see me as I am (it would rip apart thier egos to admit thier part in the relationship) and accept that while I did not ever cheat on Craig like he thinks (sexually with his friends) i did cheat him as much as he cheated me because I held back from him all that I truelly am and all my real gifts and talents and understandings because I was afraid he wouldnt like me with my wierd thoughts and embarrassing mannerisms and attention drawing presence and leave me. Well he left and I am just as much to blame because I had fear of loosing, an emotional attachment to a chemical reaction that is generated when I relate with him. He wont talk to me. He is terrified of me Im sure. I broke his heart by snapping as I did in an overreaction to behaviors I had previoysly and for quite some time tolerated. Ive of course have been actively trying all sorts of new and inventive ways to get him to open up to me again and not have a cold heart. But his character says he will hold my rash actions pretty tight for quiet some time so....
T.Mars square Saturn
I learned Im gonna mind my own business and work hard relearn myself. Im reading about genetics and neuroscience and quantum physics again, refreshing in my mind all the hard study and work I did before I met Craig and got swept into loosing who I am and allowing myself to have a false Ergone of me created in tbe man I loves head so that he thinks Im a crazy bipolar second class citizen instead of knowing who and what I really am and how freedom from the chains that bind us are ours if we keep reaching for the stars instead of reaching down to sling mud or feed an addiction to dull the pain.
I dont take pain killers id rather feel the pain and breathe tbrought it.
Posted: Fri Nov 02, 2018 8:42 am
this was stated in the thread on James Condor, but I wanted to put it here because really has a lot of meaning for me. I have a huge amount of martian energy and I know that when I have this energy misplaced it is a huge down fall. my personal issues of Jealousy, rage, anger, hatred as such when I turn them inward are just crippling to me, and reading statement now, (which I already knew in the front of my mind, but had not been able to help myself adapt in situations that trigger these reaction) really helped me move past some limiting thoughts and beliefs that I had held.
" Mars is one of the forces in subconsciousness that houses our fear and hatred, and also our power: The exact same energy in us is WILL if turned outward in action, and fear and hatred if turned inward on ourselves by the simple act of NOT expressing the force outward.
I have trouble turning that energy outward, and it has been a bumppy ride becasue I am afraid to act, and direct my will, so I internalize this energy whihc is just a horrible to thing to do.
So thanks Jim, for this gem.
Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2018 4:30 am
Felt inspired to share this....
Something I learned about me and my chart....
This morning when I went out at 5am to let the dogs piddle I was greeted by a clear sky full of lovely stars. It was so nice because for quite some time now different things have obsured the stars from my sight, clouds mostly but also a change in my morning routine that gets me up at 4 as well as the clocks moving back in savings time. Since Ive moved I see the constellations from a new angle. Well....lol...it wasnt the stars that moved but my perspective. From my front porch I now have the most incredible unobstructed view of 180 degree almost of the sky. At my old home, because of the dense ancient trees that surrounded me I had bits and pieces of the spectacle in the sky. I always looked but It just wasnt the entire picture that my soul craved.
In the past 2 and a half months I have had the spoiled pleasure of watching my most beloved constellation trapse from my left slowly making headway to where he is now, most prominately to the right.
I sat there gazing up at my Stars and my little dog let out a howl to let me know a deer was approaching from behind. Funny thing how the real world is a mirror of the sky as I gave a nod to Sirius and was ever so thankful that he was right there, fixed in the sky following His beloved Orion. One day I knew that Sirius will not be seen. One day Orion will walk across the sky alone. Maybe. Maybe not.
Maybe one day all the stars that compose my beloved Orion will fade, and the dog star will Himself be alone. Who really knows which way it will go. For sure though the light I see from these twinkling stars are from so far away that the star itself is no longer and what I see now is like a ghost of what once was...somewhere far away.
I sat there thinking these big expansive thought and I cried a little tear. I was so happy to have that fixed star so I always could find my way. I was so happy that it was always right there at the heels of my beloved constellation following as a love struck puppy will. I know that feeling to well.
I named my own son after my favorite stars for a million and one reasons and this morning I thought of another. He is the one who holds me down and keeps me grounded in what is real. He is the one who pushes and pulls at me to get things going, to dream, to work, to feel, to break free of my own limitations, to strive ever to be the best I can be, to never give up, and mostly to be exactly who I am. Because with out me being authentic me, well he wouldnt be, and he is. Just like the stars in the sky, he was meant to trapse across the sky like the fearless hunter stalking his prey, he was meant to befriend a pup and give his love to it, he was meant to raise his arms and shout "look at me Mom". A mirror of the sky.
As another tear dripped from my eye I realized that like the stars, my own son will pass from my eye, that like the stars he moved from babe to boy to man...right before my eyes and in a twinkle one day he will leave my sight and go on to be something else. The stars that hold his body in the sky have too moved on to be something else. They burst or collapsed or chilled or a million other things that happen when stars "die". They become something else though we dont know which what or how but they change and our limited language grasps to explain it. Yet nothing ends forever, energy is just changed form and what was once a strong burning star may well burst into an atomic bomb scattering stardust into the far reaches of the galaxy. Like my boy, he may burst unto the threshold of adult and take it by storm and make his own way and path on this world. That is what little boys do best.
But what of little girls? As I look into the sky and see my beloved boy growing up and moving on, I pause always and think of my mini me, my daughter, whom my Aunt wanted me to name Cassiopeia. Lol....my daughter though is not in the sky, she is not like the burning stars way up high. As my thoughts turned to her I fell my heart open as if a deep cavern had been unlocked and I felt my soul going inside to the chamber where My most prescious memory dwells. She and I are entangled in a most beautiful way and while my son dances in the sky fighting off demons and villians and being my steady fixed star, she will always be right there inside me waiting and content in her own world of endless possibilities in which we together explore.
My children and I are the most amazing combination of forces. Together we have it all. It is diminishing to explain but when My daughter came into this world and joined forces with me and my son, an amazing unity formed so that we three are almost as one. It was so enchanting to me to be apart of their early life and to play and eat and share time with them. I soaked it up because I knew things would change, but i knew this stellium of a connection was an inexhaustable source for us to draw from and move in tandum through life. I felt our dynamic on such a deep level it moved me to keep outside interferences out. All of us did, subconsciously. It was as if we all knew that we were best together as three and didnt want any other patterns of energy, people convoluting it. We quite literally drove others away so that we could enjoy being us. It was not conscious it was more like an act of gravity or magnetism in which we did attempt to relate to others, thier father, my father, thier step siblings and grandmother, but we innately felt the dissonance those peoples energies brought to our own relationship and just left it alone. This rejection has hurt others and confused them and been upsetting and trying for us all because socity dicates that family should relate.....yet we had no desire too.
As the sun now creeps way above the horizon I am reminded though that times goes on and things change and that thier is a higher purpose to everything. My children and I have a dynamic unmatched together and we three will always have that to draw upon and reflect upon and build upon. It is. We are. But it is only one part of who we are because like life we are not alone and we are part of a bigger picture and as we move through space and time we will bump up against others and some we will like and some we will not and some we may be neutral with...who knows.
I am thankful for the gift of my children who in all reality are not mine but only apart of what is everything and nothing. I am most thankful for our time, for that is the most prescious thing and fills me with love and hope.
I wrote this after reflecting on our combined midpoint chart in which we have 6 planets mostly conjunct in Saggitarius,( sun moon mercury venus neptune uranus) fed in with mars pluto....and blessed with a kiss from jupiter
Laughing at self
Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2018 1:50 pm