Another interesting thing about the Uranus-Neptune transit:
I saw it coming, and because of the whole "altered states" symbolism and "freedom from dependency" I assumed that it would be best to be extra careful, and aim for a period of sobriety.
But as soon as I took my break, my angel of a coworker, who happens to be named Gabriel
out of the blue came up to me and gave me a big bag of weed he had been gifted, and didn't want (because he doesn't smoke). I took it as a sign, and instead of resisting the Uranus-Neptune energy, I embraced it.
It turned out to be a very balanced, helpful strain. (Here in Portland, where it's legal, we have access to hundreds of strains, and some can be anxiety provoking, others are calming, etc.)
So I smoked daily for about 4 months during the transit, and listened to philosophy podcasts, and read books on attachment and trauma, and processed a lot of personal traumatic memories.
(More destructively, I also found myself falling off the no-cigarettes bandwagon again, after years away from them, and smoked a few packs. But then I quit again on the equinox, and haven't looked back)
Then, the day before my birthday, my birth mother sent me a text to say that she was moving away. It was the usual cold, self-centered stuff, without a "happy birthday", as usual.
I felt this anger rising. All my life, I was kind to her. Even last year, when I confronted her about all the things she did, why they weren't ok, and told her I forgave her and was letting her go. I did it all with such compassion and gentleness.
I left it until after I got back from my road trip. Then I told her off. I called her a bully. I told her how I really felt. That I was glad that she was moving away, and that she could take all the bad memories with her.
And while part of me felt bad for being a bit mean, another part was so deeply relieved that I was able to accept and express my anger, and part of me realized that under the anger was a deep self-love. I couldn't stand to let someone dare to call me "son" after treating me as anything but a son my whole life.
So again, the Uranus-Neptune symbolism of liberation from mother-archetype energy, in both her moving away, and in my feeling a sense of relief and freedom.
And then as soon as the transit ended, so did the desire to smoke weed. And reality is delightful. And I feel grounded, and happy, and healthy, and connected to myself, my feelings, my community.
Playing it Cool
For too long I’ve been playing it cool
Because love and hate burn so hot
They make people do unforgivable things
And I didn’t want to be like them
So I lied and told them it didn’t hurt
And they thought I must be some kind of saint
The way I was able to hold my pain and anger in
After all they had done
So they only came to me for forgiveness
And I faked it for them
For too long I thought those moments when
The mask slipped, and I showed emotion,
Were failures. So I'd retreat and vow to do better
Next time, so next time she would stay.
But no relationship was just right;
They were always either too cold,
Or terrifyingly hot. And I didn't understand why.
For too long I thought it was enough
To feel intensely, alone in my room; it's not enough;
Feelings are things to be shared
And then you came along, and the feelings
Pounded on the wall of my chest
And the words clamored to get out
Of my choked up throat, and tell you
All the good things, like:
I'm so glad it was you, and
I love you, and
I want to help you scrape the popcorn texture
Off your ceilings.
And also the fears, like:
I'm trash and how could I ever imagine you could love me, and
Love isn't for broken, motherless boys.
But now I'm done playing it cool.
I may be too much for some. I'm a lot.
And I may scare others away every time
I open the door to my heart, at least until the
Hinges go silent with overuse
And the doors falls off.
So please, help me open this door
Again and again, and don't ever ask me
To hold it in, when I want to tell you,
Again and again, that I'm scared,
And I love you, that I love you, oh how I love you
I love you, I love you…