General discussion. What do you want to talk about?
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I've been making some progress lately. This is good. However, I'm still disturbed occasionally, because the velocity isn't changing. My goals are just too tremendous, and I recognise the need for acceleration, and rightly so. Herein lies the problem, which I've been analysing -- initial conditions. It was natural for the founding fathers of the United States to assume that entropy would overtake their (not even close to being perfect) map for the country. I believed that if I could set up the perfect document for conduct, then entropy would be contained and explained. But, in the act of developing this System (which I choose to capitalize), I feared that entropy would seep into its development. I recognized the need for a few things. A few categories -- which must be equal and non-overlapping. First, I must begin with the strongest truth that I can think of -- I am. Then, I must account for what I'm not (relevantly) -- through the listing of Goals and desires. Then I must formulate a Plan for how to arrive at these coordinates. Then, I describe my progress of the whole ordeal through Dream and Day Record Entries. Am encompasses all. The goals divide once by a factor of two. Then the bridge is erected. Then my path along the bridge is detailed in the journal. Amendments to this System are often abused, at my own peril, and analysed in a such a way as to be entirely (in)convenient. There is too often, a protest, and a resulting laxness. This is the actual territory, and for the first time, I'm simply recording my frustration in crossing the bridge. I used to just annihilate, and burn the whole System on a fire, only to feel a striking need to re-erect it. This resulted in a tedious neurosis. Soon astrology became involved (I'm NOT blaming this on astrology -- don't worry), and I decided, "Oh, hey. Looks like May the 19th will be a great opportunity to rise through the ranks! That's why they call it spring! I'm gonna take a gigantic leap forward through the sheer magnitude of willpower!" This leap often happened. I received very ADDICTING and uncanny gifts. Then the second day comes, and with it, a great deal of trial. Very often, to my own disgust, I deem the System a flop on this second day, and build the fire. I believe I got addicted to the insane magic of initiation, in avoidance of the (often) more interesting trials. I'm not sure why, but I've developed a more persevering willpower, and have decided to continue on, blemishes and all. But I am still very paranoid about the "contagion" of previous mistakes. I need a way to destroy them, or to transmute them (similarly to how, when William the Conqueror first landed on the English shore with his army, and fell to the ground, much to the ominous observation of his troops, he turned it to his ends by the proclamation that it is proof that England is in his hands!). Part of my reason for sharing this story, in fact, is to draw from it conclusions publicly (a magic which I have learned by none other than James Eshelman [thank you, sir]) -- an openness of my thoughts, and a blending, the word made flesh. Hopefully by posting on a forum I will be forced to remain conscious, and choose to amend instead of destroy. I would value any feedback, especially of an abstract or Kabbalistic nature, and if you're curious about my birth chart I believe you can view it on my profile. If not, I can show the link.
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